Surrealist gesture

Today was one of those days. It occupied my thoughts for every minute. It came as a surprise. When you find yourself consumed, it starts to reveal an aggrandized, veritable self.

I’ll only be able to hold out for a little while longer, as it’s been progressively getting harder to deny. The one unalienable truth, the nagging confession of subservience, compliance… surrender… I have to put things in a very specific order. I have to remove every distraction, each superfluous moment.

Extraction, alleviation.

Center, focus, enact.

Very clear, yet the first steps forced. I don’t have the will, at least I didn’t, until this revelation.

It will surprise you, out of nowhere it will wash over you, all at once.

A great wave, a little sick feeling in your gut, a flash of nausea, a hammer to the face. Whichever way, you will feel the force of this blow, it will physically manifest itself. Leaving a moment of realization, a clear view through all the fog and the shit and the mud. Perfect resolution, fidelity. Then suddenly you realize it’s there ALL THE TIME.

It is so clear and so defined it confuses you. It steals your breath for a split second and your brain reacts.

This is the door. (The fleeting open)

If you’re not afraid, if you can bare to look, you will see. But it sickens you, I swear, you’ll have to turn away. Until just one time, against all odds, you won’t.

The dissonance will be too violent, you’ll want anything other.

This is where you will turn.

This is what you will choose.

And you’ll have to live with it, you’ll have changed everything. You have to be certain of what you want and realistic of what you can do. Fear and pain are illusion. Superficial “wounds”. Such trivial things heal, they pass, you forget, you desensitize.

You harden and you grow.

Sometimes foundations are built on very shaky ground indeed. Roll up your sleeves, determine which direction you need to go, then act.

Initiate the inevitable chain of events that will unfold into unknown stories, the literature of experience. It is possible. You can do it. Do not be afraid.

Be what you are, do what you have to.

Look at yourself. Look to yourself.