I am an imbecile.
It’s not alcohol, it’s not drugs… it’s just certain people, I must remember this. I shout and I re-shout, I scream and I devise. Then all is confused once again. Alcohol and drugs are not problems unless you let them control you. I don’t, I would run from certain problems regardless of my sobriety. Alcohol and drugs simply help me to let certain preconceptions, certain premeditated thought constructs, fall away. A way to slightly distort, a way to look at things differently for a short while. A change of perspective.
If I spent entire days intoxicated, or couldn’t responsibly hold my life together, then they would be a problem. As of this writing however, they are not a “problem”. I use both in moderation and am very, very, very rarely so inebriated that I’m not in control of my actions. Do not blame drugs, I can blame only myself for allowing unhealthy people into my life to distort my actions. I can remedy this with very little effort. If drugs did control my life and did bring unnecessary pain and drama, while wasting my time and dwindled my potential I would stop using them. I would cut them out of my life immediately. But people, with their mind games, for some reason always slip through the cracks and I end up blaming what society has conditioned me to blame.
Yes, certain people cause me to do, to act, and to say things I do not want to. They are the poison. Not drugs, they are just recreation. I’ve been trying to explain away the problem by doing just what they’ve tried to teach me, their deceptions had taken root. I’ve been led to believe drugs and alcohol are horrible things that will make your life hell… when really it’s them, it’s anyone… it’s people that will make your life hell. People who will twist you up in unnecessary knots, trick you into throwing away yourself to support them. It’s them. It’s having to work 5-6 days out of the week, it’s having to fill your car up with gas, pay for insurance, buy clean water. It’s having to have every bit of your time to think, to imagine and to dream stolen right out from under you because you’re not doing your part to keep the bigger, much more ridiculous industry going. The bureaucracies that fill you so full of pointless busy work that you start to lose your common sense, a slow desensitization to yourself. It’s the fear and the desire, the false idols they’ve instilled in us. Taxes, and fines, surcharges, and handling fees…sucking all of your extra time and money away. Not allowing you the time to find yourself through all the bullshit they’ve spread around us. An elaborate maze, shiny and distracting.
The dream-killers, the self-stealers. The enemy.
They had me momentarily tricked, but not again. This time I’m quite clear.
