Surrealist gesture

Day after day

Spitting blood with my wine tongue

Losing myself so eagerly

Leaving myself completely

Another face – another game

Another smell – another name

Want to break myself

Break this town

Push my life six feet underground

Forget all the names

Erase the faces

Erase the pain

A need to change and disappear

This dream of drugs and girls and fear

It’s deep it’s dark and the hope just drowns

The worms, the beauty, that demon drive

The fear the hate the lies

Selfish lies destroying lives

The ceiling and the walls and the floor just stare

Silently judging everything in the air

The open wound that is my mouth

Spilling out and crying LOUD

Waking up as someone else

Just pare it down to sex with drugs

And drink with love

It can point the way, reveal the trail

Show your cards

Destroy yourself

It’s far too wrong to make it right

I’m far too scared to keep up the fight

I scream – I scream – I’m screaming out

So that I might listen

So I may learn

Memories are not real anymore

With a drink in my hand

And my head in my drink

I can’t keep all these lives I lead straight

And I can’t keep fooling myself that love is just hate

Held together by fate

Keep torturing myself

Keep torturing you

Keep telling myself there’s no escape

I take another drink and hope that I drown

Stone among stone

And god among whores

I take another drink and fall to the floor

I feel the death creep deeper inside of me

Spreading like wings to swallow my apathy

And the songs that I’ve played

All the words that I’ve drawn

And all the films that I’ve made

All the secrets I hide

And all the lives that I’ve shaped

All the problems I’ve faced

And the mistakes that I’ve made

All the fears that I hold

And the lies that I’ve told

Make my heart so heavy

I can barely stand inside

Make my heart so sick

I can’t live with it

And my mind is all cluttered

Like my life means nothing

So I scream, and I scream

SO I’M SCREAMING OUT

But still I live deaf

And still I live blind

And my heart will not open

Because it’s dead in my mind

But I see your beauty and I stop and I think

And it all clears for a minute until I think of a drink

And I drink and I kill it – I won’t let it in

I feel I deserve to die in this sin

Yeah, I feel for a moment but I’ll always kill it again

The safe and the comfort will never get in

I just laugh and I numb it when the fear begins

I want the nothing, the empty, the end

I think of an image and wish it were true

I think of an image and all I see is you

But I break it apart – I throw it away

I say that you’re nothing and believe what I say

Yes, the fool is hurt

The fool is hurt

And what’s worse, he revisits his pain

He spreads it to others

And the cycle won’t end

I want what is nothing

I love what is dead

I want what I’ve ruined

I love what I end

I want to feel alive

Different and clean

I love what I don’t have

And hate what I get

I piss away truth

But denounce all lies

I pull at my hair

I curse at the sky

I fake and I vomit

I smile and lie

I think of my image and kiss it goodbye

Hoping time will erase

Hoping I will forget

Waiting for the day when I can kill this regret

But still spinning and faking

Still falling apart

Still hoping and praying

I haven’t smothered this heart

That there’s something else

Someone new

That I’m not really as distorted as I seem to you

I have to have something

Some substance of thought

Things to say and ways to say them

Thoughts to think and new ways to believe them

I have to have something

I have to have something

There’s got to be someone underneath all of this

There must be a reason that I exist